Something has been bothering me as of recent and I felt I had to post about it. Of course, I am very busy editing audio files, so this will be brief.

I have to be honest: I'm a fucking mess. I've felt this way ever since I started my last year of highschool and it's just gotten progressivley worse since then. However, there are a few things that are bothering me in particular.

First of all, I feel like a miserable failure. I can't muster the will do do anything anymore and I feel ashamed of myself. All I do all day is plan and then, when the time comes to act... nothing happens. I've always had thios problem to some degree and I've always hated it. I think thats why I've always had such a vivid and overactive imagination, because I could never do anything right in the real world. In my head, I could be anything, but in the real world I was a nothing. Nobody. Stupid, thin, long nosed, red haired, lanky and clumsy is what I am and It just kills me sometimes.

Also, whatever happend to that utter bliss I felt when I spent time with my friends. It used to be my one way of escaping the inevitable crushing lonliness that consumes the poor fellows who get shipped off to old fiolkes homes, but now I just end up feeling like I'm taking up other people's time. When I chat oinline with a friend or when I stope by a friends house or when I notice a friend in public and head over to have a chat with them or when I play Dn'D online with my gaming buddies I just feel like I'm an unwanted guest. I used to feel happy when I was with friends, but now i feel like I'm intruding.

Finally, I feel hopeless. I have no real goals. there are things i want but I know I will never have them (but I've still got my fingers crossed for that Mountain King CD). I don't know where I'm going in life. It's like I'm walking blindly through the emptiness of a self-imposed exile... what I mean is, I feel like I'm destined for failure. Like I'll struggle hard through the rest of my life, a long life without the pleasure of an early death (not that I want to die, mind you, but I would be lying if I said I've never considered it).

But, what do I really have to complain about? I've had little real strife throughout my life. Very little physical or mental abuse, no divorced parents, no losses in the family (of anyone that I really cared about), never had to move, learn a new language, I didn't get beaten up much by bullies, I've never had to take anti-depressants (though, in truth, I've never inquired even once about them - my mother would freak), I don't have a rent to pay, I did have that one friend who died, but I've never really dealt with that so it has not effected me much. I'm really sorry to waste your time with my emo bitch whining.

Even so, It feels good to complain every once in a while.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to editing. Chances are, I'll never upload art again (havent drawn anything and don't care to anymore).